Dear Agatha,
My wife is pushing me to hurt her. We got married last year and wehave an eight-month old son.
I attend Living Faith Church and she is a Jehovah’s Witness. Whenwe newly got married, she was reluctant to attend my church but,after persuasion and a little threat, she started attending service with me; only to stop suddenly. I came back from church two weeks ago to meet the house locked.
I later discovered she went with her parents to their church. Sincethen nothing has been the same in our house. I find it difficult tocommunicate with her because I’m bitter at her attitude. I feelbetrayed by her.
I now derive more joy at work than at home and I no longer feel theattraction I used to have for her so much so that the act of marriagewith her is more like having sex with a strange woman than making loveto my wife and when we do, I see the face of another woman.
The reason I still eat her food is because I’m not used to eatingoutside. I don’t feel safe with her anymore. I feel this disconnectionfrom her spiritually and that is not the kind of relationship I wantwith my wife.
In as much as infidelity is not a way of life for me, she may force me toseek fulfilment elsewhere or better still send her home. I’m beginningto wonder if insisting that my wife goes to the same church with me isasking too much even when the Bible says that a wife should be subjectto her husband in everything. I need your advice before she pushes me to the point of no return.
Worried man.
Dear Worried Man,
What were the arrangements you both put in place before gettingmarried? Didn’t you two discuss the issue of church during the timeyou courted?
Granted, a woman has no religion or church until she gets married but,there are now many instances where the couple chooses what works forthem. If the arrangement before you both got married was for you twoto continue to attend your different churches, insisting on her comingwith you to yours, is wrong.
You will have to give her time to make up her mind about it. Thoughthe Bible is specific on the husband being the head of the home, andthe woman, a helpmate to her husband, the same Bible pointsevery one of us to application of wisdom in every situation we findourselves.
No marriage will stand the test of time in absolute authoritarianism.If you want this woman to respect and listen to your wishes, you mustlearn to treat her as a human being with interests of her own. To beadamant on issues which under ideal circumstances could be resolvedamicably destroys the future of a relationship.
In the first instance, both of you don’t have to drag the issue. GodHimself is capable of fighting His battles and does His thingsperfectly without question or confusions. Good enough both of you areChristians. At this point, it should not matter how both of you approachGod, what should, is what brought you both together despite theobvious differences in your church choice. The fact that you didn’t rememberthese differences when you met, decided to spend the rest of yourlives together, have a baby, shows the differences you are making amajor issue now, is superficial.
One thing that never works in life especially in a relationship, andmarriage for that matter, is the use of force. Life itself is a freegift from God and if you look around you, the best and pricelessthings in life are given to us free of charge.
Therefore, to enjoy the hidden treasure of life, which is peace, learnto adopt the gift of freedom in your dealings with people. Over time,such people given the benefit of your behaviour and fairness inhandling others around you, often than not, come over to your side oftheir own free will.
Your wife is an individual, free to have opinions, decisions andactions. This is irrespective of whether she is your wife or not.These are her God given rights just like we cannot deny our childrenthe right to their freedom when the time comes.
You must, as the head of the home, first accept this to equip you toplay your role well as the head of the home.
She is not a slave or servant. God made her your helpmate, to assistyou in giving meaning to your life. Marriage is about compromises.When a man or woman insists his or her way is the only right way, alot of harm is done in the process.
If you are patient, understanding and caring, overtime, your ways willwin her offer.
Even where you both agreed, she would cross over to your church oncemarried, you still need a lot of tolerance to win her over. This isnot saying she is right to have changed the goal post so soon aftermarriage, but being the head of the home, you need to lead by settingthe right examples in your home. It won’t do for you as the head ofthe home to always give in to pressure and anger.
Yes, she has done something highly provocative. But, then who is toblame? If her parents didn’t support her to go with them, insist sheaccords her husband the respect he deserves as the head of the home,there is no way she could have gone to that church with them. Beingmore experienced in this matter, they shouldn’t have never given her thesupport and encouragement to disobey the feelings of her husband whomthey willingly gave her out to in marriage.
So, go to her parents and tell them precisely how you feel and thedanger their obvious support for their daughter is putting your home in.
They are the real danger to your happiness, not your wife who ismerely acting a script written for her long before you met her. You have tounderstand it would take a while to cease to obey her parents’ every wish, especially if she grew up with parents who have brainwashed her into accepting theirs is the only right way.
It would take time for her to shift loyalty from her parents to you.This is why I insist you should be less critical of her and supporther to trust your ways.
Then also think of the innocent baby who at eight months needs the love, care and appreciation of the parents to be really happy.
Ask a lot of men who have been married for a long time, and they willtell you that marriage is a journey of thorns, pricks, toil, tolerance, selflessness, endurance, trust in God, prayer to make thebricks solid.
Ending your marriage on account of church preference is at bestbranding the God we serve as being the author of confusion. Lean onand pray to Him for His presence in your marriage. Once He comes intoit, everything that appears impossible will become so easy youwill begin to wonder why you thought it difficult in the first place.
If you go into an extramarital affair, it is because you have alwayswanted to, not as a result of her refusal to follow you to yourchurch. Resist creating greater problems for your marriage by yourinability to handle things with maturity.
In addition endangering your marriage over church preference, calls to question, your claim to being a follower of Christ. Jesus Christ never preached Church but love, respect and holiness. Are the messages different in your church?
Good luck.
