Dear Agatha,
I got married in a traditional ceremony to my husband, 20 years ago. I’m from Ughelli South and my husband is from Isoko North, both in Delta State.
We relocated from Delta State to Lagos State, immediately after we got married.
I came into my husband’s house with my five year daughter whose pregnancy her father denied. My husband took up the responsibility of raising her as his own and even gave her his surname.
Today, she is not only a certified Estate Surveyor, but very lucky to be in the employment of one of the leading firms, in Nigeria.
My husband and I, inspite of putting in our best efforts, have been unable to conceive since we got married.
About two years ago, my daughter got pregnant for an unknown man. Having walked that road before, I insisted on her keeping the baby and gave her my whole support.
She gave birth to a son, who in a strange way takes after my husband in looks. My husband and I were happy to be grandparents. We both dotted on the baby.
By now my daughter was already on her own. My husband bought her a very expensive car as a gift for making him proud as a father.
Since she bears my husband’s surname, I didn’t think it out of place when she gave his surname to my grandson since his father was unknown.
Few weeks ago, my daughter fell ill, and had to be admitted. My husband who always took it upon himself to be by her side in times, like this, was on official assignment outside the country. The responsibility of caring for her and my grandson became solely mine.
For the first time, I had access to my daughter’s bedroom, as she had made it clear to me that her room was off limit to me.
Since she and the baby needed change of clothes, I had to enter her room to get them.
That was when I discovered the biggest shock and betrayal of my life. Adorning her bedroom walls were pictures of her and my husband in intimate postures. Even the ones of their court wedding were pasted on the walls.
It was from these pictures I got to know my husband was the father of her son as well as the one on the way since the doctor confirmed her pregnant before I left the hospital to bring her change of clothes.
I’m so pained at this betrayal.
Should I abandon her at the hospital especially as she and my husband from the documents I saw in her room, have concluded all plans to travel out of the country?
Should I call my husband to tell him about my findings? Should I confront my daughter?
Is it an abomination for mother and daughter to be married to the same man?
Please help me as I am all alone.
Pat.
Dear Pat,
Much as I empathize with you, the truth is, there is nothing left for you in that marriage. You don’t need anyone to tell you, it is an abomination for mother and daughter to be married to the same man.
On what premise would you want to continue living with a man and woman who betrayed you this way? Count yourself lucky their level of betrayal didn’t include them poisoning you.
This marriage is nothing but a charade.
The ugly truth, is, they don’t care about you at all. A man who can sleep, marry and have children with a girl the world thinks is his daughter, is dangerous and so is a daughter who has betrayed a mother, like this girl did.
Unfortunately in the eyes of the law, your daughter on account of the court marriage is the legal wife, meaning you are a mother-in-law with benefits to your supposed husband.
As it stands, you have no legal standing in that house, despite being married to him, under the native laws and custom act, which at any rate, doesn’t frown at the freedom of the man to take another woman as wife.
While you still can, leave the marriage for both of them. But not before confronting them with your discovering. Granted it won’t be easy for you to do, given all the emotions involved, but you have to, for the sake of your sanity.
The abomination of both mother and child sleeping with the same man has already happened. There is already a grandchild, and another on the way.
You just have to be strong for yourself as there is nothing whatsoever left for you in this marriage anymore.
The only demand you can make of your erstwhile husband, is to settle you with an alternative accommodation. He owes you that much. There is no point prolonging your pains by making it difficult for them to go from your life.
In moments, like this, you need the help of friends and professionals to help you manage your emotions else, you could go into depression which might be suicidal.
It would be definitely painful for you to turn your back on your daughter, grandson, husband and the innocent baby on the way: but leave, you must, once your husband comes back from his trip. For the sake of your daughter, and her children, go back to the village and return the bride price paid on your head by him. This way, you free yourself and daughter from any repercussions of both of you sharing a man. Yes, your daughter may not deserve such considerations but, at the end of it all she and your grandchildren are all you really have. One day, down the road, when all the pains have lessened, you will thank God, you didn’t allow this incident blacken your concerns for her future.
However, rest on the Shoulder of God Almighty for healing and wisdom.
Good luck.
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