Dear Agatha,
In view of the high rates of infidelity among married couples, is it safe for a couple to operate a joint account? The experiences of many couples on this issue aren’t pleasant. My elder brother’s experience prompted my query to you. He woke one morning to find himself homeless after discovering his wife has been having extramarital affairs, and that the two children she passed off as his’, belonged to two different men she had affairs with.Â
In addition, with the help of one of the men she is involved with, she was able to sell piece off their house, using the documents of their joint account, without the knowledge of her husband, who was on official assignment in Ghana when the sales were made.
He came home to nothing.
Many married couples who have joint accounts, do not have good stories to tell.
What do you think, Agatha?
Chioma.
Dear Chioma,
My stance on your query remains the same as other times, I have responded to similar questions.
The issue of joint remains a major problem in marriages, not because the conception is wrong, but has its major flaw, in the sincerity of the couple involved.
No thanks to the nasty experiences of some couples, many others are increasingly finding it difficult to trust each other with money.
It’s a sad commentary about the fragile foundation must marriages are premised. A lot of marriages lack sufficient credible credentials to survive the different challenges that come with sharing everything together.
Sincerely, having a joint account and helping to fund the building of a house are foreign adaptations which are painfully today destroying most marriages in this side of the world.
This is because traditional African society was a simple one; one in which the man worked to fend for his family while the woman’s duty was to take care of her husband and children.
Her job was inside her home. But with more exposure to Western values, so many things changed in the way we do things. Unfortunately from available statistics, the marriage institution has become the major casualty of this desire to adapt everything Western without questions. Whether we agree or not, there are certain marital norms in the West that will not work here in Africa and the earlier modern Africans realized that, the better for the marriage institutions.
For starters, our laws are not designed to protect the woman in anyway so why premise a marriage on the values of a society that has evolved a system that makes the man not only a tenant in his own home, but forces him to continue to part with almost half of whatever investments he has should the woman sue for divorce?
First and foremost, the typical African man is a polygamist by nature. Whether we admit it or not, the inherent nature of the men generally is to conquer as many women as possible. Down here in Africa, polygamy is still a very strong part of our nature. Unlike the Western world where the society from its inception has inculcated and entrenched monogamy, the average African man has polygamy in his blood and history.
Also, down here, women in those days, were expected to be submissive and absolutely faithful to their partners. Not so anymore as more and more women these days, think having extra marital affairs, is the major criterion for showcasing the independence of women.
The flip of this argument is, how does a woman who grew up with a father who had many wives and concubines ever trust her money and labour to a man without always being suspicious of his reasons for withdrawing money from a joint account or wonder what would be her faith if she invests alongside her husband in building a house for the family?
There is no winning the argument from anyone’s point of view.
Many years of handling relationships and marriages issues have exposed me to one naked fact; that couples who desire to own a joint account should first of all, focus more on the negative sides than the advantages of doing so. Often than not, couples only focus on why they want to; the reasons are usually for housekeeping and having enough funds to take care of the children’s fees.
On paper the reasons for having a joint bank account is commendable; however issues come in its actuality and execution. Unless the couple is honest and understanding of each other, it has the potency to destroy their relationship.
So, if the couple is not ready to completely trust each other, the issue of having a joint account should be avoided for the overall interest of the union.
To best explain my position, while women generally don’t mind spending their money voluntarily on their families; even going as far as becoming breadwinners when their husbands are out of work; the mood of the average woman becomes something else when the man takes her money without her permission or for something she doesn’t agree with. This is where the problem of having a joint account comes in. The average woman would want to know the reason for every kobo the husband is taking from the account; wonder why he isn’t putting in more than the agreed amount if she perceives him to be having too much change to throw around.
While the average man doesn’t think a thing of a woman spending his money, it isn’t so with the woman who would feels cheated when she perceives or suspects her man of using money from their joint account for something that wasn’t specified in their agreement.
Furthermore, no man likes his wife monitoring how he spends money. When the queries from his wife on proper accountability becomes too much, he is bound to become irritated and resentful of his wife.
The intricacy of the human nature makes such a venture complex to handle as time goes on.
The institution itself comes with so many challenges without having to add the issue of couples having a joint account. Even where the couples are not having issues of their own; sometimes imported challenges from friends whose experiences went wrong, like the example of your elder brother, can put unexpected pressures into an otherwise perfect arrangement with each party silently asking secret questions on the sincerity of the other party.
One way around the issue of having a joint account is to open individual accounts for each child once the children start coming. every month both parents should dedicate a percentage of their income to these accounts to defray the cost of school fees and medical bills that might come. The banks can be instructed to pay these bills straight from the accounts when tellers are presented.
However, couples should do what they feel comfortable with after marriages.
This is why no general theory on financial management, is an absolute panacea to marital challenges. Once a couple is comfortable with what they have, they should stick it.
This way, no one would feel cheated and unnecessary bickering over money between them would be avoided to the barest minimum.
Life, is itself a huge gamble. Every marriage is supposed to last forever, but we all know it doesn’t work out like that. once there is sincerity and trust, a lot can be achieved by the couple. While one woman will never assist her husband in building a house, another wouldn’t think it twice before assisting her husband put up a structure.
The important thing about marriage is patenting it to suit what works for us. It all boils down to our understanding, dream, desire, commitment and sincerity to our family.
Good luck.
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