Dear Agatha,
She is a terrible cook
I will be getting married in a few weeks time by God’s grace, but I have a huge challenge with my wife-to-be. She hates cooking. When she does, she produces meals not edible for human consumption.
Because I can cook very well, I don’t always allow her go into the kitchen. I find cooking very enjoyable and a favourite past-time.
Now she finds it difficult to cook even when I am not at home. My friends and neighbours in the know not only think I am being a coward for ignoring this issue; but also of the opinion it would snowball into a major issue when my family members find out I am the one cooking for my wife.
I on the other hand don’t see anything to it.
Please tell me if I am wrong as well as how to handle my marriage later in life.
Chido.
Dear Chido,
No matter how good you are in the kitchen or how much you enjoy cooking, it is the duty of the woman of the house to cook her husband’s meals.
A time would come, especially when the children start coming, that it would be impossible for you to continue to cook everyday for the family. You can cook occasionally for them as special treats, but cooking for them all the time doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction at all. That is the job of the woman especially one that has the desire to keep her home secured from outside interferences and threats from other women who know how important good food is to the well-being of the man.
The truth is that though you enjoy cooking, a time would come when you would begin to resent her attitude towards the kitchen, when you would be busy trying to meet up with your own obligations to the family, you won’t even remember to go to the kitchen to cook. Besides, there is no way you would feel right going to the kitchen to cook for your family members or friends when they come visiting while your wife sits pretty in the living room chatting with them.
Your pride as a man would not be able to withstand such scenario. After a while, even if you don’t mind, your pride and ego as a man would reject it and begin to question your sanity as well as the injustice of the situation. Once you get to the point of reasoning the propriety of the situation, resentment and anger would set in; sure signs of emergence of huge fundamental problems at home.
Also, seeing the way your friends conduct their homes, how good their wives are in the kitchen, would one day instigate a hunger to be cared for by your wife, to enjoy her cooking like every man you know. Then it won’t be such fun to you anymore to cook her meals; rather her attitude would become irritating, annoying and completely out of place.
Both of you should not wait to be resentful, to rebel against the idea of going into the kitchen because by then, your male ego might push you into a situation which though you would eventually regret: but would nevertheless venture into out of suppressed anger. The pains of such wait would be too much to pay. You both may not be able to handle it. When issues like that happen in marriage, often than not, love isn’t always able to change the down slide, the bitterness from erupting or the pangs of pains from getting stronger.
Overtime too, your woman would feel lazy when it comes to going into the kitchen. This may not be intentional, but the mind and body have a way of getting used to old habits hence, find it absolutely difficult to make adjustments.
Therefore, before it becomes obvious to your family who would definitely make a very big deal out of this, and use it to create tension in your marriage: this is the right time for you and your woman to deal with the issue once and for all.
Sit her down and discuss your job specifications in the home. Let her appreciate the fact that cooking doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction whatsoever; that you are only doing it simply because you enjoy it, which shouldn’t be misinterpreted by her as something you would continue to do after you are both married.
Underscore the need for her to learn as well as develop the interest to execute her nature assigned function. Let her know how much her effort would make you feel and how you cherish good meals, which was the reason you learnt how to cook in the first place.
Offer to teach her after you have listened to whatever reasons she has for not being able to cook. Whatever reasons or fears she may have developed along the line, even if you don’t think them important or valid, still help her get over the fears. Encourage her each time she makes an effort while still gently and lovingly pointing her to whatever deficiency you may have noticed.
Man’s greatest fear is that of rejection. Given her little or not culinary experience, she would naturally fear embarrassment at her effort.
Like a mother tasting the efforts of her child at cooking, set aside your taste of perfection and sense of sharp criticism, to lend a hand of unconditional support. Allow yourself to be the guinea pig of her ‘kitchen practical.’ Don’t laugh, munch without flinching whatever is presented. Take as much as you can endure before pointing out her areas of mistake.
Go into the kitchen with her and give her practical lessons. Show her how to do it right. With time she would get the hang of it.
The best thing about this arrangement is she would not only eventually know how to cook as you do, but all the meals you like and the way you like them.
Sincerely, you are not helping her by cooking the meals while she does the eating. The dictates of good home management demands you both teach each other things the other doesn’t know while still maintaining the balance of your roles as man and woman.
You can help cook the meals if she is indisposed while she too can help wash the car when you are not feeling up to it. This is the balance you must always work to achieve in your marriage.
Marriage is about discussing your differences with maturity, wisdom and not with anger. Being two people, with different upbringing, orientations, temperaments, attitudes and characters: there are bound to be points of tension. This is normal as you both try to find the equilibrium within which to operate.
If both of you are able to handle this matter with all the maturity as well as sincerity it deserves, it won’t cause any major upset.
It is not also about who is right or wrong, but how you both can make it better and work with minimal pain.
Mutual respect, friendship, trust, loyalty, dedication, tolerance, patience, responsibility, understanding, friendship, care, selflessness as well as complete faith in God are some of the qualities you both need to make a marriage work.
Once you do what you should do at the right time, everything would fall into place.
Good luck.
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