Dear Agatha,
I am in love with my friend’s wife. Since the day my friend introduced me to his wife, I haven’t stopped dreaming about her. I met her a year ago when my friend invited my wife and I to his house to celebrate the 10th birthday of his first daughter.
Something moved deeply in me when she smiled at me. I couldn’t help comparing her as we all sat down to pleasantries with my wife, who looked like the fabled ugly duckling beside her.
Twice, I have paid her a visit when I know her husband isn’t in town, but beyond the courtesy of being my hostess, I could be dead to her.
The last time she came to our office to see her husband, I was in his office. She barely looked my way throughout after the first exchange of pleasantries.
From what my friend says about his wife, he is her world just like she appears to be his. Unlike some of us, he doesn’t womanize even when he has a reason to come out for some drinks with the boys. He tells us that there is nothing he is lacking in his wife.
The pride with which he talks about her, makes me more determined to have her. It is getting to a very dangerous dimension for me. I am even ready to do away with my wife to marry her.
At nights, I have wet dreams from dreaming and imagining what she would look like without clothes.
I am even avoiding my wife because of all the kinds of thoughts and dreams that now occupy my mind.
How do I go about this? I feel she is the woman for me. I want her so badly.
Godwin.
Dear Godwin,
There is this saying that when a child falls, he gets up and continue with his walk without a care about those who witnessed his accident, but when an old man falls, he looks back to see first, the reason for his fall and to see who witnessed his fall. Look back into the past to what happened to all the men who stole the wives of other men; including David in the Bible. None of them escaped the wrath of God. They all suffered public disgrace in various degrees.
How can you want another man’s wife so badly? Is there a draught of single and willing women ready to do your bidding as long as the price is right? If every man goes about thirsty for another man’s wife, what will happen to the marriage institution?
What kind of friend are you? Despite the very low opinion you have of your wife, would you be happy if anyone tries to steal her away from you? How do you want the world to remember you in history if this deadly desire of yours comes into the open?
It isn’t done. This woman is married to your colleague and friend. He invited you to celebrate with his family at home because he saw you as a friend, one he can trust. Don’t do anything to betray the trust of a man who opened his home and the hearts of his family to you.
No decent man goes after the wife of his friend no matter what. Even if she is the one asking for you to take her to bed, the law of decency forbids you to take up her offer because it is not everybody this man calls his friend. The word, friend is an embodiment of everything good that life has to offer. It means, this man trust you with everything that is important to him. What kind of friend backstabs his friend? What kind of friend plans sorrow for his friend?
A man’s wife is his life, honour and pride. Unless you plan to kill him, stay away from this family before your ill-conceived feelings destroys the trust and harmony between this couple. This couple doesn’t need your kind of friendship. They are clearly better off without you in their lives.
If the woman isn’t too friendly with you, it is because she can sense something her husband is clearly blind to. In her own way, she is sending out a warning, the kind you should not ignore if you are wise.
Going to her house when her husband isn’t at home has her on the alert. In the first instance, you are not the kind of friend who should be visiting her when her husband is out of town or out of the house going by the time of your first acquaintance.
If you know what is good for you and bothered about the effects this scandal will have on your person and family, fight the temptation. Even if you must have an extra marital affair, do it with a single woman, not a married woman and certainly not one married to your colleague and friend.
Dreaming about making love to her when you should be romancing your wife, improving on the relationship between the two of you isn’t right. You have allowed your lust for this woman get the best of you. How will you explain it to your wife if you mistakenly call out her name during intimacy with your wife?
Dreaming about her, visualizing her naked body next to yours is dangerous for everyone concerned. Unless your motive is to cause a major problem in her marriage; that would make her husband drive her out of the house, resist this dangerous thoughts of yours.
Even if you haven’t done anything with her; you are debasing this woman spiritually. She hasn’t done anything to encourage the type of things you are imagining about her. She is someone’s wife and mother.
You have your own wife. This is pure covetousness; the reason men become killers or became fetish. No matter how beautiful this woman is, is she worth your soul or the destruction of everything you believe in? Have you bothered to think of all those lives you will be destroying along with yours if you don’t put a stop to this insanity of yours? Even if your wife’s feelings mean nothing to you, what about your children’s? The worst thing that can happen to a man is to lose the respect of his children. What kinds of stories will you tell your children if this whole thing blows up in your face? Will you ever have the moral justification to stand before your children? Will you ever be able to command their respect again?
How will you feel as a man if you perceive your wife to be interested in another man or envisioning another man beside her, while with you in the bedroom? It is the height of disrespect and disregard for the person of your wife as well as the sanctity of your marriage.
It isn’t until you sleep with another woman that you have committed adultery. The fact that you are picturing it in your mind is enough.
There will always be a better woman or man than our spouses, but responsibility is knowing when to draw the line between mere appreciation for one’s natural looks and lust.
There is really no harm in appreciating the look of this woman, but it becomes something else when you want to steal her from her husband and family and in the process destroy her happiness for your own selfish reasons.
The reasonable thing to do is to help your wife become better; that is, if true there are one or two things you don’t like about her. Start by talking to her about the issues or things you don’t like about her instead of wasting time plotting on how to steal another man’s wife. Every marriage needs help to become better. There is always a way if there is a will. You can at the end of the day, use this situation to improve on your relationship with your wife.
God may have brought this woman to open your eyes to the neglect of your wife. That you described her as an ugly duckling underlines your indifference to her. The beauty that attracted you to this woman, she owes to the peace her husband is giving her in the home. a woman’s state of mind is always reflected on her face. When a woman is happy at home, and with her life, she glows and blossom: when the story is otherwise, she becomes sad, jumpy and ugly.
This woman’s appearance would become like that of your wife if her husband treats her the way you are treating yours.
Therefore, listen to your wife. Address whatever is making her uncomfortable as a woman, wife and mother. Give her the kind of support your friend is giving his wife to radiate.
If you devote yourself to being a good husband, before long, that shine and peace you noticed in your friend’s wife will also be visible on the face and mien of your wife. That woman is the better side of her husband; allow your wife to also be the better part of you.
Good luck.
